Penises Are Funny
Penises are funny. Of the two types of human genitalia, penises are, by far, the
funnier. Anything that dangles, by its nature, is funny. Elephant trunks are also
funny for the same reason. Harold Lloyd dangling off a clock face ten stories above
the ground: funny. Participles, when dangled, are funnier than participles properly
placed. Testicles are also funny for the same reason. A dangling testicle is always
going to be funny. When combined with a flaccid weenie, well, that’s just comedy
Lady parts just don’t have the same effect. Yes, boobies can dangle, but rarely in
a funny way. Boobs are funniest when jiggling, and although everybody enjoys a
good jiggling now and again, it requires too much effort to be a consistent source
of comedy. Vaginas, on the other hand, aren’t funny at all. They’re too complicated, contain too many folding parts, and produce too many secretions. While they do occasionally emit hilarious expulsions of air at inopportune times, they are generally the most introverted of the private parts.
It would be easy, therefore, to extrapolate from a purely anatomical comparison that men are funnier than women. After all, we men have the hilarious dangling stuff; franks and beans = funny. But this conclusion would be wrong. Because while God may pick favorites when it comes to assigning stupid-looking genitalia, He (or She or It or whatever) does not discriminate when it comes to the mind.
The male brain and female brain are identical hunks of wrinkly gelatinous goo. Their
neurons, synapses and cortices all as androgynous as a pumpkin. Even the sexiest
brains are, when viewed, sexless. And it is the brain, of course, that lumpy hacky
sack in our heads, that creates humor. To say that men and women are somehow
unequal at creating humor is to therefore say that men and women are unequal at
thinking, which is demonstrably untrue, except in the fields of math and science, at
which ladies are D-U-M-B!!!
(That last bit is an example of a joke conjured by my brain, at the expense of
That men, or at least some men, are incapable of putting women on equal footing
as men is bizarre to me. That women are afraid to be their full, funny selves is also
bizarre. While men often cannot see past the jiggling boobs to get to the really funny parts of a woman, a lot of women are incapable of letting their freak flags fly in front of men. Both attitudes, I think, are born from stubborn societal forces. Both attitudes are also changing, but maybe not quickly enough.
Women should never be in a position to defend their funny. Women are funny in
the exact same way that men are, which is to say they are crass and clever, stupid and sublime. Their points of view are as varied as their minds, the only organ that matters when it comes to humor. To think otherwise just strikes me as funny.
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack